Oct 032013


Trying new things in the bedroom is an important element of self discovery.  Touching yourself in a new way, trying out a new toy, exploring an area of your body you previously felt was off limits; all of it can truly broaden the way you experience pleasure.  The same goes for couples when it comes to positions, toys, and how/where you’re touching/being touched.  Everyone enjoys different things, and every once in a while you’ll come across something that no matter how hard to try to like it, you simply don’t.  It’s always shocking when you hear about Bob not enjoying blowjobs or how much Jenny dislikes being fingered.  Everyone associates these things with extreme pleasure, but the truth is, not everyone enjoys them.

When you’re trying something out on your own, keep this in mind:

  • Forget about how well it works for anyone else, drop the expectations and just see what happens for yourself.
  • Take things slow and make sure you’re relaxed and alone so there’s no pressure from anyone.
  •  No matter what you’re trying out, if something is causing extreme discomfort (and I don’t mean in an awesome kinky way), don’t do it.  You’re looking for more ways to experience pleasure, it shouldn’t be painful (unless that’s what you’re trying out).
  • If you don’t experience what you were hoping for the first time, you can always try it again.  You may never experience exactly what you’re hoping for, but you should at least enjoy trying.
  • If you’re not enjoying it, don’t do it!  Simple as that!

Exploring on your own is often much easier than exploring with a partner.  You’re only worried about your pleasure and if things don’t preform the way you hope, you’re the only one who feels disappointed.

With your partner:

  • Often times your partner will bring up something new to try out, whether it’s a position, toy, or even something more taboo.  If it’s something you haven’t tried or even thought about trying, it can feel a little uncomfortable to consider.  You really need to dive into what you’re feeling and figure out if your hesitation is valid, or if there’s really no reason to be concerned about trying it.  Talk with them about your feelings and ask why they’re hoping to try it out.  It’s important to communicate and be understanding, but don’t ever do something you feel is morally wrong or violates you in any way.  It should be about everyone receiving pleasure, and you should never feel like you’ve gone against something you believe in.
  • You might be the one bringing up something to your partner.  Keep the same thing in mind; just because it’s something you fantasize about, doesn’t mean it’s something your partner also wants.  It can feel really deflating to have them turn you down, but be respectful of their feelings.  While it’s important for everyone to be open-minded, there may be some things they refuse to explore.  It can be quite disappointing, but it’s important to not feel angry about it.  Talk it out, find out why they’re uncomfortable with it and make sure you reassure them if it has to do with insecurity issues.  Even after being understanding and discussing it, it might be something they simply aren’t interested in.  Give them time to think about it on their own.  Don’t bring it up again for a while and see what happens.  Sometimes they might come around and other times it’s best to simply keep them fantasies you have.  While a little reminder that you’re still interested every once in a great while isn’t totally wrong, don’t ever pressure them into doing something they don’t want to do.  That will only lead to issues in your relationship.

Just because a previous partner enjoyed it, does not mean your current partner will.

  • I can’t express that enough!  Everyone is different!  While your previous partner might have felt like your oral skills deserved an award, your current partner might not feel comfortable with receiving oral sex.  Don’t set you or your partner up for disappointment.  Make sure they’re enjoying what you’re doing; mold your skills to fit what their body needs, don’t try to make their body work with what you’re trying to do.

No matter how many times you’ve tried something, there will just be some things you never enjoy.  And even if it’s something everyone else you know seems to enjoy, it doesn’t make you weird or wrong for disliking it.  While the majority of the world enjoys eating pizza, there are many that don’t care for it, the same goes with sexual enjoyment.  Don’t put yourself in a box, and don’t force yourself to do things you don’t enjoy.

I’m all about trying new things and can’t express enough how important it is to keep an open mind about the pleasure you give and receive.  There have been several things I never thought I would do, and they have since become a pretty regular part of our playtime.  Once limits are set, don’t push them!  Respect your own feelings, the feelings of your partner, and really openly communicate about your desires, insecurities, and what your limits are.

Keep an open mind, be respectful, and own your pleasure!  Your pleasure is yours and no one else’s, and as long as you’re satisfied, that’s all that matters!


  5 Responses to “You dislike….THAT?”

  1. Well this is a summer breeze carrying the smell of freshly baked bread *smiles* (It’s a compliment)
    My partner and I were talking about this earlier tonight. I was telling him about a form of kink I’d learned of. He’s not interested, which I expected, but he was pleased to learn something new and told/showed me so. *dreamy sigh* I find it fascinating that just the suggestion of something new has such a positive effect on our love making, even if we don’t choose to try it.
    So yeah, I am all for communicating with your partner(s). It’s really good for your playtime :)

  2. me and my hubby were just discussing trying new things the other day and what are boundaries were. Kinda sad we are now having this discussion after TWO years of marriage.

  3. Thank you for addressing such an important topic! I feel like this is something that is often overlooked or at least not discussed at length. I think there’s a lot of pressure to try new things (especially since 50 Shades..), or to like certain things and to not like certain other things.. but many people don’t know how to deal with all of that or talk to their partner about it in a constructive and pleasurable way. This is something my boyfriend and I are navigating together and it’s really liberating knowing that we can feel comfortable saying no to some things or suggest something without feeling embarrassed.

  4. This is really good! So many important points.

  5. This is a very pertinent topic to bring up in the face of the monolithic “sex tips to drive every (gender) wild” genre. Everyone has differences in hardware and software, and communication/experimentation are the best ways for people to fully discover their capacity for giving and receiving pleasure. Awesome points, many thanks for writing this.


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