Aug 102013

These are the times when my mind’s left to wander,
unsure how to hold up to the pressure that I’m under.
Waiting. Watching. Just dying to surrender.
But hope is there, it stares me in the face as I ponder;
how we loved so deeply and freely and yet we just let it go.
Just goes to show nothing is life is as it seems.
Screams inside my mind beg to be released;
tempted, and teased, but can never be freed.
Desperate for the times I knew you truly saw me,
but I guess that’s in the past and now it’s over, wasn’t mean to be,
or was it?
At least I still have my memories to haunt me;
break my heart, break my soul, and always taunt me.
I love you now, I loved you then, but I guess it’s just as you say,
‘the beginning has come to an end’.

The hugest challenge I’ve faced in life has been change, both good and bad.  Whether it was developing into a young woman, moving into a new apartment, or learning how to handle the changes I see in my children.  Change is almost always difficult, I think in general we’re all creatures of habit and learning to adapt can feel nearly impossible at times.  But what if the change you’re facing isn’t one you even want to get used to?

That’s what I’ve been facing over the last couple years.

I feel in love with a sensitive, caring, passionate man, and he locked up that part of himself when his mom passed away a few years ago.  It’s a huge change to have someone you’re so deeply connected to throw up walls around themselves and refuse to let you in.  Over the years I’ve seen little pieces of him come back out, but they immediately go into hiding as soon as he feels exposed.  I feel lost.  There are days where it doesn’t affect me, but lately it’s been harder than normal.  I see him every day, but I miss him.  I know those parts of him are still there, but I can’t reach them.  My sensitive, caring, compassionate man has become stubborn, angry, and distant.  There used to be such a tenderness to his eyes when they would meet mine, now eye contact is quick and awkward.

What am I supposed to do?

I want to hold on, I want to ride this wave with him and see if we can recover what we had, but is it even reasonable to desire that?  He says I’m living in the past, but could he have changed so much that those parts of himself no longer exist?  I know he’s scared, I understand why he’s distanced himself, I really do….but am I supposed to be okay with losing my best friend?

I just want him to see me again, see the love I have for him and the love we could still hold on to…

  4 Responses to “Permanent Change?”

  1. No, you’re not supposed to be okay with losing him. You are amazingly understanding, and strong. I hope he comes back to himself soon. Wish I had some advice to help.

  2. The way you write about it reminds me of feelings I’ve experienced before, the pain of losing someone even though they’re still there every day… And no, it’s not okay that he’s dismissive or tells you that you’re living in the past. If you’re concerned, those concerns should be addressed… I hope that he can be convinced to get some help in dealing with his loss.

  3. Would you consider showing him this post?

  4. I know this pain. I’m so sorry for his loss, but you shouldn’t have to lose your friend because of it. It’s not that simple though is it?


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