Aug 202013


The first crush I ever had was on a little boy named Travis who was in my kindergarten class.  I thought he was so cute and recall how badly my older sister made fun of me for it.  Being six years old, it was obviously very innocent and nothing ever came of it.  As the years past, I had crushes on various boys, and was crushed on by many as well, but I wasn’t interested in having a boyfriend until I was in my teen years.

I was one of those that had the unrealistic dream of sharing everything with only one person.  I wanted that fairy tale where we met when we were young, shared our first kiss together, got married, both made love together for the first time, and walked hand in hand into the sunset.  Thank you chick flicks for putting that horrible thought into my mind!

I thought I was in love a few times, but those feelings weren’t always mutual.  I was homeschooled and pretty much the only people I knew my age where the kids that went to youth group with me at church.   When I was 15 years old my parents purchased our first computer and hooked up the internet in our house for the first time.  Rules were set in place, but I wasn’t great about obeying them.

On an online Christian teen forum, I met Andrew.  He was a little bit younger than me, but I didn’t care.  He was sweet and we had a lot in common.  Sadly, he was in another state so our chats were only through the computer for the first few months, until our phone numbers were exchanged.  It was the worst thing I had ever done up to that point, hiding all of this from my mother, but I didn’t feel like her rules weren’t fair considering how alone I was all the time.

Once we had chatted on the phone, I spilled it to my mom who was actually really reasonable about the whole thing.  We started talking on the phone daily, IMing online, and writing each other letters.  We were growing closer and our attraction for each other was very obvious.  We had each only seen one photo of each other, but our connection was the important thing.

After talking for five months, he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend.  I was excited about him asking me and since I knew we both had feelings for each other, I said yes.  We were in love and everything felt so different.  I got to start telling people that my boyfriend called rather than saying my friend.  It was really quite silly how I felt about it all, but that’s what happens when you’re young and clueless.

I was nearly 17 years old at the time and had so much pride in the fact that I got to say “sweet 16, never been kissed”, truth is, I hadn’t even held a boy’s hand yet.  It was something that may have seemed small to some, but I took a lot of pride in it.  I was a firm believer in True Love Waits, and wanted to save all of myself for the man I would marry.  Agreeing to date Andrew was like agreeing that he would be the man I would someday marry.

That summer, his family asked if I would like to spend two weeks with them; one week at their house, and one week on vacation with their family.  I was floored!  After talking with my mom about it, she gave me permission and I very excitedly got to call him up and let him know that we were going to finally meet.  The time dragged on as plans were made, but the days before he arrived were filled with anxiety.  I was nervous and scared and didn’t know if he would actually like me or not.

When the day finally came, I watched he and his family get out of their van and start walking toward my house.  I was panicking inside, but so excited!  We exchanged a hello, and chatted a little bit, but nothing more than that.  He mentioned going for a walk with me, so his parents and little brother hung out at my house while my boyfriend and I went for a walk.  We were walking along together, obviously nervous, but he did manage to grab my hand.  I felt like I was on top of the world!  When we got back, my stepdad was coming outside just as we were at the end of my driveway.  Andrew instantly let go of my hand, afraid that we’d be in trouble if someone saw.  It’s funny now looking back on it, ah…sweet innocence!

We all spent time together that day, going bowling, out to dinner, etc. since the next day I was leaving with them.  Because the drive was so long, we spent the night at his Aunt’s house before continuing back to his.  He wanted to kiss me.  I knew he did because of how he acted the night before, but I wasn’t ready.  I thought we would spend a few days getting used to each other before doing anything like that, but he wanted it and I was scared to tell him no, so it happened.

The trip was going well, I loved his family, loved spending time with him, and things were going really well.  It all kind of took a weird turn a few days into it.  We were in his room (with the door open, house rules), sitting on his bed, just sort of cuddling.  Somehow, things advanced and his hand was on my breast.  I realize this sounds like a very small thing, but considering my plans, it was huge.  I felt guilty and wrong, but didn’t think I could say no.  Having never been in a relationship before and knowing I was in his house, states away from my family, I felt kind of stuck.  He didn’t force himself on me, exactly, but I felt pressured into doing things I wasn’t ready to do.  It didn’t go beyond my breast being fondled, but it was still emotionally difficult for me.

The rest of the vacation was interesting.  Mostly good with a few weird moments, and before I knew it I was heading home.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we had already talked about getting together again around Christmas, only three months away.  Once I arrived back at home, he started acting really weird; getting overly jealous and protective of me.  He didn’t want me talking with my male friends any longer and wanted all my attention to be directed at him.  That wasn’t all.  Every conversation became filled with him talking about us having sex the next time we saw each other.  I told him I didn’t want that, but he tried manipulating me by saying we knew we’d get married eventually anyway, so there was nothing wrong with it.

It came an obsession to him.  Every time we talked he added something to his ‘list’ of sexual things we’d do together the next time we visited.  It made me extremely uncomfortable, but since we had already kissed and he made it to second base, I thought I had to go along with it since he was going to be my future husband.

There was a strain between us not long after.  His anger and obsession were getting to be too much, and I was sick of him trying to control my life.  We had a long talk and agreed on taking a little break and seeing what happened.  During the same conversation,  he said he was going to date some girl from his school and that’s when I understood it all.  He was so concerned I was doing something wrong because he was.  As soon as he said he was going to date someone else, I told him it was over.  I wasn’t going to waste anymore time with him.

I had a hard time saying it was over, and felt really broken for a long time  because I shared so many of my ‘firsts’ with him.  My life moved on and my feelings changed.  I was careful who I let close to my heart, but after a little time I decided it wasn’t important any longer to wait on everything.  I certainly held on to certain morals but didn’t let myself hold back as much as I had before.  I learned a lot about myself and relationships based on the experiences I shared with him.  I never let another male control me, though some certainly spent a good deal of time trying to manipulate me.

I will forever be proud of how much I’ve respected my body, even though there were some hiccups along the way, and no longer feel ashamed of what happened with Andrew.  I was young, naive, and thought I was in love.  Everything happens for a reason, I’m just glad I got out of that relationship when I did!

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