Jul 212013

I met my husband in February of 2010.  We met online through a dating site and after the first introductory exchanges were made, we were chatting all day, every day.  We had seen photos through the site, but I didn’t really have any of my full body. I made sure he knew I wasn’t some thin, girly girl before he started forming a real opinion of me, and he let me know right away that it didn’t matter to him since he had once been a large man himself and knew what it was like to be judged based on his size.

I wanted to believe him, but just wasn’t sure.  My past experiences had led me to believe most men are very shallow when it comes to a woman’s appearance, and I was skeptical.  We kept our interaction web and phone based for a while since we both wanted to get a good feel for the other.  It was pretty obvious that we were smitten, but I didn’t want to get burned.

Toward the end of March, we decided to meet up and go on a date.  When he arrived at my house, I stood at the front door watching him get out of his car.  When he started advancing toward my house, I ran into the next room and tried to walk slowly to the door.  I still managed to get there before he did, eliminating his need to knock.  He came into the house and instantly gave me a hug.  I was shaking, could hardly hear him speak because my heart was beating so loud in my ears, and looked like a total fool (I would imagine).

We hadn’t made actual plans for the day, but decided to go see a movie.  We stopped in to see what time the movie started, and realized we had time for lunch first.  He took me out to Applebees and I did the typical girl thing and ordered a salad.  Truth be told, the only reason why I ordered that was because it was the cheapest thing on the menu (lame, I know..but I’ve always been like that).  Sitting across from him, it was the first time I was able to make eye contact for more than a second at a time.  I was so shy, nervous, and knew that I already had deep feelings for his man.  Did he feel the same?  Was he enjoying my company?  Was he going to walk away from me after nearly two months of getting to know each other?

It seemed like we were getting along well, but once we sat down for the movie, I knew everything we had discussed was exactly how he really felt.  He reached over, took my hand in his, and proceeded to rub his thumb along the top of my hand and down onto my fingers.  I was going crazy inside!  I had never been touched this way and I felt like I was going to explode in my seat!  I leaned over and told him he was driving me crazy.  He later told me he thought that was a bad thing and almost let go, but when I kept holding his hand he realized I didn’t mean it in a bad way.

After the movie, he grabbed my hand as he drove back to my house.  I was on cloud nine and was so pleased that things were going so well.  We went inside and sat on the couch, about three feet from each other.  We spent a lot of time talking, and much of that was him saying he couldn’t believe how beautiful I was.  Being shy, and not used to getting this type of attention, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing and turning away.  This man…wow!  When it was time for him to leave, I walked him out to his car.  We hugged again and he walked to his door.  I could see a strange hesitation before he got in.  I knew he wanted to kiss me…it was beyond obvious, but he didn’t.  We had discussed it prior to meeting up, so I instantly sent him a text after he left and asked him about it.  He was so sweet, and had so much respect for me.  He wasn’t sure if he should or not, so he decided to wait.

A week passed before we were able to see each other, and as soon as I opened the door to my house, he planted a kiss on my lips.  I think he was so nervous he just wanted to get it out of the way.  It wasn’t passionate, it wasn’t tender or loving; it felt more like the way you would kiss your grandmother, but it was the ice breaker.  We spent the rest of the afternoon laying in my bed, ‘watching movies’ and kissing…touching…it was amazing!

He didn’t just want to get in my pants…he loved me enough to want to take things slowly and respect my boundaries.  I was far more into him than I cared to admit and I was terrified that I was only going to get hurt.  The more he showed care for me, the more scared I became.  I loved him.  Deeply.  But after having been hurt pretty badly by my previous relationship, I wasn’t sure if this was going to last.  I let my fear get in the way for a short time before deciding it wasn’t worth it.  He had already told me he was in love with me weeks ago…so I let go and shared my feelings with him as well.

Our relationship advanced quickly.  Marriage was discussed, moving in together, having a baby…I already had two children and a failed marriage, I wasn’t sure I was ready for any of that.  When I told him I didn’t ever want to get married again, I could see the intense pain on his face.  He loved me, he wanted me to belong to him, share his name…and after thinking about it for a while, I realized that his happiness was my own and if it made a difference to him, than it was worth it to me.

We moved in together at the end of July (three years ago next Wednesday) and started our life together.  About a month after that, we found out we were pregnant.  Our joy was multiplying faster than I could keep up!  We were in love, planning on getting married, a baby on the way, and couldn’t have been happier.  On September 22, 2010 I officially became his property.  We had a small ceremony in the backyard with his parents and my daughters and had a get together a week later with family who wanted to celebrate.  Our love was strong, obvious, and the kind you seldom see.

Yes, we fought.  Yes, we had our issues.  But they were quickly resolved with apologies and kisses and making love.  I felt like everything I had ever wanted was finally coming together.  I was so blessed, so happy, so high on life.

And then it happened.

We had the alarm set for our baby appointment that day, and he went upstairs to use the bathroom as I was stretching and getting dressed.  I heard him call down to me and say that he needed help because he thought his mother was dead.  I rushed upstairs and into his parent’s bedroom (we were living in the finished basement of their house at the time) where I saw his mother on the floor, father kneeling by her side, and my husband…my beautiful, strong, amazing man…looking so broken and lost.  They were on the phone with 911 and were doing everything they were told.  Nothing was changing her condition.  She was dead.

It was so sudden, so unexpected…so heartbreaking.  She was an amazing woman and I’ll never understand why she had to go so soon.  That night, my husband made love to me…telling me that our love didn’t need to change just because we were going through such a hard time.

I wish that had stayed true.

The months that followed were a blur.  We both were struggling in our own ways and didn’t know how to connect with each other any longer.  We tried to stay close with each other, but the world around us seemed to be crashing down.  He wasn’t the same person.  He had grown bitter, angry, and surrounded himself with walls.  The man that once told me I was beautiful every day, was always angry with me.  He stopped complimenting me, fights happened often, and our passion died.

It’s been a few years since then, and we still struggle.  We’ve almost given up more times that I can count, but I think we both have a deeply seeded connection that keeps us together.  Things aren’t often easy, but they’re getting better.  I miss the man I met a few years ago, but every now and then I get a glimpse of him..and remember what made me fall in love with him in the first place.  I believe that things will turn around.  I can tell it’s still going to be a while, but I have faith that we’ll be able to get through anything together.